Avarice Mattress Savings Account

With some money market rates trading below NAVs of $1.00 and bonds exposed to the vicissitudes of financial markets, there are very few places for safety-minded investors to place their money. Storing cash at home, even in a safe, can be dangerous. And filling bank safe deposit boxes with cash is inconvenient. That’s where the Avarice Mattress Savings Account® comes in. By depositing your cash in the fund, you can have direct access to that money through international check-writing or your personal or business Plutonium credit card.

Products related to Avarice Mattress Savings Account objectives are provided in the sidebar.

mattress

PERFORMANCE
As a static, asset protection, mutual fund, the Avarice Mattress Savings Account has, for over two decades, avoided any and all risks associated with equity or fixed income investment vehicles. Indeed, the fund has never lost a dime of the company’s fees.

OUTLOOK
The outlook for the Avarice Mattress Savings Account has never looked better. With more investors fleeing competitors’ high-cost funds in favor of those of Avarice Funds’, it is anticipated that the Avarice Mattress Savings Account will continue to return a majority of its savers’ deposits.

RISK
There is absolutely no risk associated with the Avarice Mattress Savings Account. Investors deposit their cash with Avarice Funds, the company takes its floating fee, and all remaining cash is available for withdrawal. It’s that simple. Investors looking for other guaranteed return investment vehicles with no risk, should also consider the Avarice Guaranteed Return Bond Fund.

FEES
The fund’s management fee is established at the close of each business day. Historically, this fee has been determined as a percentage of the total cash remaining in the fund as well as an additional three basis points below the daily National Equities Resource Data Standard (NERDS). 

INVEST
For more information about the 
Avarice Mattress Savings Account, to request a prospectus, or to establish a savings account, contact your local broker or one of our offices.

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its production and publication. These contents may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without our express written consent. 
If you use any of this stuff without asking first, we may sue your ass. We'll certainly be pissed off. 

DISCLAIMER  
Avarice Funds is parody, fiction, spoof. It in no way represents an actual investment company. (If you need to be told that, you really need to lock up your checkbook.) Avarice Funds does not purport to predict future events. (If we could do that, we'd be at the track instead of here.) Proper names used on this site, unless those of public figures or entities, are fictional; any resemblance to
actual persons or entities is coincidental. 
Avarice Funds is not associated with any investment firm, nor would any reputable investment firm wish to be associated with Avarice Funds.
Knowing all this, if you still wish to invest with 
Avarice Funds, make your check payable to Avarice FundsCSALSMFT, and send it to our office in the Cayman Islands.